One year ago, I was in love with someone else. But I didn't appreciate him and I was such a selfish, demanding bitch. And I let the love of my life slip through my fingers. I guess you never appreciate someone till he/she's gone.

I promise I won't make that mistake again.

I didn't know I could feel so fucked up. And I mean it.

Guess who showed up at my door with

- Maggi Goreng with an egg

- Chocolate Chip bread

- Jellybites

- Bite Sized chocolates

- 1.5l bottle of Lemon tea

- DVDs

- Archie Comics

- FHM (Haha)

so that my next 4 days of home quarantine will be so much easier.

Aww I'm so touched. My baby is the best <3

Alright, I never thought this day would come.

Goodbye love. Goodbye to the happiest days of my life.

Sometimes I just feel so lost. Just half a year ago, I felt so optimistic and I thought that this time, things might actually be different. I never knew that the things you say sometimes could hurt so much. And sometimes I'll feel so hurt when you tell me things, shout at me and tell me that I'm stupid.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"You're disgusting"

"Why do you dress so sluttily?"

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm a jinx. I'm not perfect either, I know. But I'm trying.

The day when I walk away from you, will be the day you realise that you'll never be more alone, and that noone could ever have loved you as much as I did.

It's been so long since a proper, long post. Let's see. Life has been predictable, but pleasant. I've been eating alot of good food, having breakfasts in bed, watching movies online, spending lots of quality time with B. And life has been simple and good :-) No more crazy late nights out. But maybe all that will change when Kat comes back to Sg in two weeks! Then we'll be able to go for more suppers, more parties.. Basically a repeat of the December holidays last year. God I miss those times. Not because of the partying, but because of the warm, fuzzy feeling I got so often during those days.

I can't wait for FOC Camp next week. I've always wanted to be an OGL, but I never got the chance to do so. During JC, I failed my Promos so I had to retake the exams instead of being an OGL during Orientation. Looking back now, I don't regret anything that happened during JC days. Ok maybe I regret not studying much more. But other than that, I think JC times were really memorable, and I won't trade those sweet memories for anything in the world..

The first year of university just flew past like that. Seems like just a few months ago when I was a Freshman. And now I'm already a Sophomore (ok fine I know we're in Singapore and we don't call ourselves Freshmen/Sophomores/whatever but who cares). Only three more years and I'll be working. And then another few more years I might even get married! Scary isn't it. But no way I'm gonna get married at the void deck (though it's a malay tradition)

I wish I could stay sweet 19 forever. Which reminds me, only a few more months and I'll be 20. How depressing.

Trust ;

Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.

Mambo yesterday! It was my first time since.. a long time. I've concluded that clubbing is a waste of $$$ seriously. I think I spent close to a hundred yesterday? And now that Brinden doesnt really club anymore, I doubt I'll be clubbing again in a long time! Or until Kat comes back. I miss her so much. Alright I'm off to do a food review with Denise. Shit I'm starving :)

 Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry.     You don't know how lovely you are.     I had to find you, tell you I need you.     Tell you I set you apart.      Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions.   Oh lets go back to the start.     Running in circles, Coming in tails.     Heads on a science apart.       

Nobody said it was easy, It's such a shame for us to part.      

Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be this hard.      I was just guessing at numbers and figures.   Pulling the puzzles apart.     Questions of science, science and progress      Do not speak as loud as my heart.      And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me      Oh and I rush to the start.      Running in circles, Chasing tails.       Coming back as we are. 

I'm goin' back to the start.

I am so fucking bored. It's not even funny

I'm flying off to bangkok tomorrow! I cannot wait. 4 days away from Singapore land. Sg can be so suffocating sometimes, I can't wait to get away. 

"I didn't think that I could fall in love with a girl that much"

I did something I really shouldn't have done a couple of days ago. To be honest, I feel quite horrid and disappointed with myself. But I remind myself every single day that it's okay, it's alright beause I love you, and you love me. And that's all that matters for now.

Till then!

So exams ended on Tuesday. Went to Red Dot Brewery @ Dempsey yesterday with Brinden. Was contemplating whether to go to Butter or Zouk after that.. In the end we did neither. Alcohol makes me feel so nauseous. The drinks are Red Dot were so strong! I can't down beer at all. Ew :( So post exam activities have been.. fun but predictable. Going out till 5 am, waking up the next morning at noon, and watching The OC reruns online. I am such a dork.

Okay I'm done with finance. I had my first paper on Saturday. One down, four more to go! Anyway I was reading this certain person's blog last night and I swear, I rolled my eyes more than ten times when I read his post. Hahaha it's funny how some people use dictionaries or thesauruses to replace certain words with seemingly more difficult words. Hahaha that's just plain weird. Oh and it makes it even worse when the person uses the words wrongly. Okay, just my bitchy two cents worth.

I've booked my trip to Bangkok already. I can't wait!

Two more weeks to the start of pseudo summer :-D

- Genting/ KL

- Phuket

- Koh Samui

- Melbourne

I can't fucking wait!

I can just imagine the warm, fuzzy feeling- Old best friends, sitting across a wooden table, reminiscing and talking about the good ol' days. (Maybe with a little baby in tow)God I love nights like these.

You make me so excited

And I don't wanna fight it

I start to blush,

You are my sugar rush

Omg exams are in a mere... one week! Exactly. Which brings me to the point.. I hate people who call me a closet mugger. Like for example

Sophia: Hey can I ask you this finance/econs/whatever question?

xxx: Uh why are you asking me? You mug everyday secretly at home, shouldn't you know the answer?

Sophie: Omg seriously

Honestly I'm not one who'll ashamed to say that I do study when I DO STUDY. And when I don't, I just shut up about it. What's wrong with telling people I study when I do? I don't find it something embarrassing or whatever. So everyone should just get off my back about me being closet muggerish when gawddamnit, I am not. My close friends will know that there's no way in hell I am one so seriously.... And if anyone isn't happy about my grades then they should do something about it instead of blaming me. Anyway it's not as if my grades are that fantastic. They're only average.. ZZ I don't know why I'm so angsty. Probably cus of the fact that I've been mugging till 5 am for the past three days. And I'm still not done with Finance. I feel like tearing my hair out. I wish I'll do well this time. Please...

On a brighter note, I'm so looking forward to tomorrow. Two whole days of relaxation and bliss. I can't freaking wait :-D

All things fall into place
My heart, it feels so safe
You are my melody
That's where you take me

xx

Everytime we say goodbye, I wish we had one more kiss.

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend.

I'm so tired right now, I studied for 6 hours straight today, 9 chapters of shit. It's amazing how much you can cover when you really concentrate. I didn't have any distractions today. Baby didn't talk to me for half a day so I could concentrate :( But I did cover quite a bit today. I hope that there will be some sort of miracle again this semester. I hope I can maintain my grades.. Anyhoo, I'm looking forward to the after-exams trips! Bangkok, Phuket, Aussie, New York here I come :) I hope my parents will come up with the dough though cus I'm broke, there's no way I can pay for the trips by myself haha. Damn.

You know that feeling when you just feel like cuddling in bed with the person you love? Just lying there the whole day feeling utterly safe in his arms, watching tv and just enjoying each other's company? That's the feeling I get when I'm with him, all the time. Words can't simply describe it. We never run out of things to say, which can be good and bad no doubt because I can get annoying with my incessant chatter/ whining (no doubt, i bet) but I can never imagine getting bored when I'm with him. He's like my best friend, the best of both worlds. I know I sound like a silly baboon in love but it's true. I hope this feeling will last. One thing good about being friends for three years first is that now we know each other inside out, when we should shut up and give in at the most critical point. Okay enough gushing. The whole point is - 

I love you B.

Part of the reason why I always choose to ignore the good things people say about me (I'm not bragging, I'm sure everyone has received compliments at least once in their lives) and instead believe the negative words they say, simply put- ever since young, people have been  putting me down. Not aggressively and in-your-face, but subtly. 

Brinden brought up something yesterday which really upset me. He said something which totally made me question myself. Who the hell am I? I won't disclose what he said but he struck a raw nerve and made me question my beliefs. I don't even know who I am sometimes. It wasn't that he was being insensitive. Okay fine maybe a little. But it sort of made sense. 

In primary school, my parents were the ones to constantly chide and punish me, for every small damn fucking trivial thing I did wrong. I was so afraid of making mistakes and 'incurring the wrath of my dad'.

In secondary school, * kept mocking my round face, my goldfish eyes, my overgrown tits, my this- that, my every small damn thing which brought out my insecurities. I never mentioned it because I always laughed it off but yeah it's all out in the open now. And just so you know, I have never ever insulted you and made you feel lousy before.

In JC, a certain someone didn't make me feel wanted and loved. And I always found myself comparing myself to this girl, that girl. I constantly wondered how come I was the one who bothered most of the time. 

B's parents. Damn unfair, biased and judgmental.

And now, B. Really? Saying that I don't have a right to talk about your past 'girls'? I'm your girl friend for goodness sakes. Of course I have a fucking right to talk about your past 'loves' (sense the sarcasm here? If they were that fucking great, they wouldn't even have done the things they did in the end. You talk about my past too. Does that mean you're a hypocrite? Did I ever say you don't have a right to talk about my past? What you said was the most hurtful thing that you could have possibly said to me and I won't ever forget it. 

Fucking great.

Sad, isn't it//

I think we have to learn to love ourselves first, before others can love us. This applies to everyone I guess. We should stop criticising, and start loving ourselves. If we don't start now, then when will we ever? I have to keep reminding myself too that looks and brains aren't everything for fucks sake. Brains and looks are definitely something. Nobody's going to deny that. But not everyone's born beautiful and smart. I know I'm not. Most aren't born stunning.In fact, we're all imperfect. We're human. If someone's more goodlooking or smarter than you, does that mean he/she is better than you? That's bullshit. Looks fade. And what's the use of having the brains if your character's bullshit? 

And if someone doesn't like you or judges you, who fucking cares????

This is my honest diary entry so far. But the main point is - 

The world would be a much happier place if we stop hating, and start loving.