I was reading my old diary entries just now and omg, I realised, seven months is a long time. Too long. What was I thinking?
Sophia - is fking pissed. And I am so erasing you out of my life, for good.

The title of my blog reads - "P.S. I love you"
It sounds simple but it can mean so many things.

I love you.. but only as a friend?
I love you in more ways than one?
I love you.. just like a sister loves her brother
I love you, you're my soulmate.
Or simply - I love you and I can't imagine my life without you.
I love you and I want you to be mine.

One thing I don't understand about myself - I find it so hard to let go. I found the courage to utter those words and actually mean it some time ago but hey, it took me a whole freaking year to do so. A whole freaking year! I should add "To not be so emotionally attached to someone, anyone" to my list of New Year Resolutions. But who actually follows new year resolutions anyway? I know I never did.

This is all my fault, why can't I just be sure about something for just once in my life? I hate it that I'm so fickle. There, I said it. I'm fickle and I suck at making decisions. (Case in point- I can spend a whole day deciding whether I should get a particular dress and at the end of the day, I find myself buying a skirt instead) Nothing is ever that simple and damnit, I wish I can just open up and tell you how I really feel about you. But I can't because I'm unsure myself. Maybe that day was a mistake and maybe it was just a spur-of-the-moment thing. Because right now, it sure does feel like it - it was just a spur of the moment thing. Too late, what's done is done and there's no use hoping and wishing that I can turn back time. Why do things have to be so complicated? But I don't want to turn back time. Because if I did, I wouldn't have known how it felt to be loved again, to feel safe again. This is a mess. I feel like a mess.

Thank god for the consistency I have in my life right now. No more rude surprises. I hate unpleasant surprises, they make me feel so vulnerable and powerless. Also, thank god for the wonderful friends and family I have. My parents, they aren't perfect I know. But they're trying. And no matter how often I rant and whine and complain about them, they're still my parents and I love them. And of course, those awesome people who have always been there for me 24/7. I might not show it but really, i'm thankful that I have such wonderful people in my life who have stood by my side through thick and thin.

Tomorrow's Monday - the start of a new week. Wow, I'm gonna be 19 in exactly two weeks time. And i'm gonna make sure I spend my birthday with people who actually care about me. God, I cringe whenever I think about that embarrassing message I sent to a particular someone just a few weeks ago. I definitely wont disclose what I wrote in that message but seriously, my cheeks still burn when I think about it. Sigh.. I don't wanna grow up though, I wanna be sweet 18 forever >:(

Food for thought, something I found on the internet which I found rather sweet :)
The past like some unquiet ghost still moves
Within, too fraught with longing to forget.
We have moved on, as is mature and wise.
But love, though long abandoned, never dies.

Have an awesome weekend!

I am pretty sure that next week is gonna be the busiest week ever - one test one wednesday and one project due on Thursday. I should really be studying now but I can't seem to concentrate :(

I miss -

Contented ;
satisfied with one's situation or life

Okay, maybe I have been walking around nowadays with a perpetual grin on my face and that might seem a little odd but honestly, I dont care. I'm happier now than I've been in months.. And maybe this feeling wont last, maybe i'll regret this in months to come but you know what? I'm happy and contented now. And maybe that's all that matters for now :)

I can't stop smiling :)

The most productive thing I did today was.. running 4.5 km in the evening. Don't ask me how long I took to run that distance. Hey, slow-mo jogging is the way to go! I hope I can keep to this "healthy lifestyle" though. Because the rush of adrenaline + endorphins make me happy!

Have you ever wondered sometimes, how you can be in the middle of a crowded room, how you can be amongst so many people- yet, you can feel like the loneliest person in the world? And it hurts so much when I keep pretending to be indeed truly happy, to seem as if I dont have a care in the world, when really deep inside, I'm not. People perceive me as a cheerful girl. Someone who always has a smile on her face, someone devoid of sad/ angry/ negative emotions. But i'm really just as sensitive as anyone else, maybe even more so. But I choose not to show people my vulnerable side. FYI, I have feelings too. Hell yeah I do.

Maybe like, sometimes i really feel like I'm falling for you and maybe, just maybe, I wish you mean it when you tell me that you like me too.

BSB is the coolest shit yo

It’s been ages since I’ve blogged properly! I guess I’ve just been feeling too lazy to actually get down to doing a proper post on this blog and how ironic, I’m supposed to be studying for a test this coming Friday and I should seriously be studying and not thinking of penning down my thoughts and feelings at this awkward time. (ie 1:38 pm in the middle of a Wednesday afternoon)

This sounds totally random but I miss my friends. I really do miss the three awesome girls I feel completely at ease with, I love how I can always be myself around them. Jan, Wanxian and Kat - the loves of my life. (Who needs guys anyway?) Sigh they’re far away though and I’m stuck here in Singapore. Everyone is so caught up with university life and I used to feel the same way. Going to school used to be so fun and well, exciting but now I feel like school is such a bore. I know I shouldn’t feel this way since you know, being able to attend school at a university makes me lucky and I should feel blessed and fortunate but really, I hardly have the mood/ energy/ drive to want to go to school nowadays. Maybe I’m just a lazy ass or maybe I haven’t found any close friends in school yet. It’s kinda hard making new friends nowadays. Even the occasional small talk with people you bump into along the streets seems so.. forced.

Like for example-
Sophia: Oh hi it's such a surprise to see you!
xxx: Omg hi same here! How are you?
Sophia: I'm goooddd! What about you? What are you studying now?
xxx: Uhm ____. What about you?
Sophia: Real Estate!
xxx: (Wtf is that?) Ohhh really that's cool! So are you gonna be a property agent next time?
Sophia: Haha nooo. Hmm so.... (awkward pause) How's school?
xxx: School's okay! (loong awkward pause) Well, i'll see you around then!
Sophia: You too, bye!

Get my drift?

I have so many friends but those friendships which will last forever? Maybe only a handful.

Oh and another thing, I’m putting on weight like noboby’s business IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY ANYMORE. God I miss my skinny sec three days when I weighed a mere 43 kg. Now I’m like ___ kg heavier than that and omg I have no idea how im gonna lose all this excess weight. It's gonna get even worse when the hols come along and i'll be having so much fun till i forget that eating dessert after every meal isn't exactly "normal".

Back to the subject of school, i really need to start studying again, for now. So now i shall push aside daydreams of Japan, New York (no thanks to you, Gossip Girl) and Hawaii, and settle down to read my notes. I'm sure what they said about university life being the best time of your life isn't completely fictitious. I just have to try harder, yes?

Let's play dress up

We all dont even make time for small talk no more.

LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE

School is a bore.
Exams are a chore.

Haha perhaps my inability to type long blog posts is simply due to the fact that my life is so very very predictable nowadays. But then predictability may not be such a bad thing after all ;)

Our only chance to speak once more

I showed you the answers, now here's the door

I'm leaving you for the last time baby

You think you're loving but you don't love me

Let's say hello to high and dry.
I am looking forward to/dreading tomorrow.
I can't decide.

I watched Mamma Mia last night and now i feel like i'm back in the 1980s era haha and abba songs have been on repeat on my computer since.. this morning. And my mom is happy because she says that's a pleasant change from all the "thrashy music" that she's been hearing from my music player the past few months.

Cus somewhere in the crowd, there's you :)

I just reached home from my Nat's OCS social night. It was.. alright. The food was good though. I love pastries especially those yummalicious mini tartlets. High tea at Carousel soon!

What's number one on my wishlist (for now),

Fingers crossed, a wonderful December :)

Out the many broken back doors and windows,

Through the valley of the love of the lost,

Is a hole that is cut through the souls

falling down from the thrones without needing innuendos,

But you found inner peace for the moment,

The moment was over in time,

Then its gone the hit and run the tactless one has a short life

IFG today! It was pretty fun even though we got thrashed and my clothes got all muddy and all.
I'm currently addicted to With You- Chris Brown. It has been on repeat mode since I downloaded the song a few days ago. I know i'm pretty slow since the song came out on radio like eons ago hahaa but yeah it's such a sweet song! :)

Baby, you're the best part of my day

Soo.. life has been busy busy busy! University life is exciting (haha okay maybe not so) and personally, I find uni life much more enjoyable as compared to JC life. But I really need to start studying soon! I'm so behind everyone in terms of studies, it's kinda scaring me. Everyone is so competitive in university! I still havent figured out for sure what I wanna do next time :( Fingers crossed, I hope I didnt make the wrong choice by chossing Real Estate over Mass Communications at NTU.

You know everything happens for a reason. And maybe I thought you were always going to be part of my future, that you'd always be right by my side, guiding me through life's obstacles and challenges. But now you're far away and my dream, what I envisioned before seems so silly. I didnt understand us back then. I hated me, I hated you, I hated how we ended up like that. But guess what, now i'm glad. That we did get a chance at making things work. But things didn't work out in the end, and it's okay. And i'm glad, because I finally saw you on the flipside. And i'm thankful too because seeing you on the flipside made me stronger. And guess what, i'm moving on. And I hope you are moving on too :)

<3 Love always.

People come and go as they please.

And i'm darn sick of it