Why do I feel like fuck everytime I turn on the computer.

2008 is coming to an end, it's been one heck of a crazy year. It started out lousy, it was lousy in the middle, and now maybe there will be a sweet ending to 2008 :-)

And I wanna be there when you hit the ground 
So don't go away say what you say 
But say that you'll stay 
Forever and a day... in the time of my life 
Cos I need more time yes I need more time 
Just to make things right 
Damn my situation and the games I have to play 
With all the things caught in my mind 
Damn my education I can't find the words to say 
About all the things caught in my mind 
Me and you what's going on? 
All we seem to know is how to show 
The feelings that are wrong 

I'm so happy whenever you're with me, baby.

Life should stay just like this for a bit :) 

One love one shot it's all we ever got
You got me started now i'm not gonna stop
Now slide along side yeah baby that's right
I'm gonna show you the time of your life

Dear Diary,

       I know I write only when I am feeling perturbed or upset about something.

       This blog reminds me of all the times when I felt sad or hurt or just plain helpless. This blog reminds me of all the times I felt horrible, so much so that I would just turn on the computer and type out whatever came to my mind. Some people call it ranting; I call it a mere form of release. And then I’ll feel better.

Years later when all this has passed, I am sure I will look back and read these entries and realise how stupid and ignorant I really was.

        We are peculiar creatures. Too often we realise that we are like chameleons. We learn to adapt, to change accordingly to the environments we are exposed to. We can’t help it. We’re human after all. But how much do we have to change without changing ourselves entirely and permanently in the process? Because I don’t want to change. I just want to be me. And if that’s not good enough for you, too bad. I’m not going to change for you. Or for anyone else for that matter.

        There's gotta be more to life, than chasing down every temporary high.

        Temporary high - I guess that's why some people turn to alcohol. But I don't. I’m not too sure how I get my happy high. Don't get me wrong. I am happy. But I just can't help feeling like there's something missing in my life.

      This blog has been wonderful. I can write whatever I want without this nagging conscience at the back of my head – warning me to be careful with what I type. But then again, I don’t give a shit about what people think of me anymore.  And I’m tired of always seeming like the “bad person”. Everyone is human for goodness sakes. We all make mistakes. And if you fucking can’t learn to forgive and forget, I honestly don’t give a shit anymore. Really.

I used to tell myself - "I just want him back."

Now I tell myself - "It's okay, it's his loss." And it is.

Maybe if I stopped being so judgmental and if I learnt not to be so picky, I’ll learn to love someone again.

       And I’m looking forward to that. :)

       I promise I'll write again soon.

Till then.

Love, Sophia.

I can't wait to get out of Singapore and escape where I can fking stop thinking about shitass things that I'm not supposed to think about. Cus other than hanging out with my friends this past week, I haven't been doing anything else and I just can't help feeling like there's something missing in my life.

Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your life?

Will I always be there for you?

When you need someone, Will I be that one you need?
Will I do all my best to, to protect you?
When the tears get near your eyes
Will I be the one that's by your side? 
Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your life?

Will I take tender care of you?
Take your darkest night and make it bright for you
Will I be there to make you strong and to lean on?
When this world has turned so cold
Will I be the one that's there to hold? 

I promise, I promise
I promise I will.

It's funny how one day I can feel confident and attractive and at other times I feel like a complete monster. 

Snap back to reality.

You know you've been taking certain things in life forgranted when your mom makes you sit down and she tells you stuff that you really don't wanna hear - and that makes you feel like a selfish bitch. It was hard holding back the tears :-( I'm glad that I made the decision not to stay in a hall. I wanna stay home and spend time with the people who do matter.

Freaking four more days to the end of exams.

I'm looking forward to the future, and December is looking pretty darn good.

Sometimes I don't understand how some people can be so vindictive. What's the use of hating and hating and hating when at the end of the day, you're still back where you started? Why exactly am I feeling so guilty? And why do I keep thinking and thinking about trivial things? I'm done. 

Waiting for a star to fall -*

What's the point of studying so damn hard for an exam when nothing you studied for actually came out in the end? And I have never felt so confused or distracted before. I'm bloody not okay. One day I think I'm okay, the next day I think I'm not. This is so screwed up. What the shit.

Hmm okay I've run out of things to say about this particular matter. Honestly I was actually okay a long time ago and I did come to terms with it awhile ago, so I think you've misunderstood alot of things regarding me and my intentions. But it's okay because you've made it crystal - sparkly clear that you want me out of your life, for good, so I guess it's time to make a few changes? It's obvious that my efforts of attempting to salvage whatever's left of our very strained "friendship" was in vain, clearly you don't give two shits about this and you so very obviously don't share the same sentiments as I do. It's evident that whatever I say now will fall on deaf ears so.. I shall make this brief -

1) I realised alot of things yesterday. And today. I've understood the reasons why you sometimes acted the way you did before and come to think of it, I should have realised them long ago.

2) I think you should learn to let it go too.

3) Walk away, and don't look back.

After everything that's happened, now you wanna pretend that I don't exist. That's fine by me! Maybe I never really knew you because if someone told me that you'd turn out like THIS, I wouldn't have believed that person at all. And maybe in your eyes I was nothing that special anyway. Actually the word isn't "maybe". In your eyes, I wasn't that special. But you know what, I know I am (Hur hur I'm not being egoistical) So please don't worry, I will disappear from your life. And I will certainly do it well.

PS. One more week till the end of exams! Can't wait :-)

You know you feel like shit when

1) It's 3 days to the exams and you're not even half way done

2) You sleep at 4 am and feel like a fking zombie the next day

3) You're gaining weight like crazy

4) You look like a fat pig in all your clothes

5) Some girls are just plain.. d-------- okay no comments

6) When sometimes just merely "liking someone', isn't enough

Embrace the world as it evolves. We are then able to create new traditions ; cultures. Why be stuck with the ideologies of the 1960s when we are already living in the 21st century?

Practise tolerance and restraint, people. Why be so narrow minded and judgemental when honestly, you have no right to do so? What's the point of being so blindly fixated with your own sets of beliefs that you choose to ignore or worse, to frown and look upon others' beliefs with disdain? I am sick of narrow minded naivete because I have a right to live as I please and we only live once afterall so why not embrace life in all its fullest glory? If you ask me, I do not want to grow old burdened with regret and "what - ifs". Youth isn't forever so let's cherish one of the greatest gifts that life can bring - Our Precious Youth.

Okay, I don't know what's with my random musings at this time - 2:20 am.
I really should be studying and I'm fully aware that my body clock is topsy-turvy now. Sigh. I guess it's back to Statistics now.

Number of days to the first exam paper : 7

Number of chapters completed (ie the no of chapters I have finished studying for) : 10

Number of chapters to go : 64

Omg I'm so unprepared for the exams.. it's not even funny!

Questions taken from Audrey's journal :-)

1. The age you’ll be on your next birthday:

2. A place you’d like to travel to: (can I name two places instead?)3. Your favourite place: 4. Your favourite food:5. Your favourite pet: 6. Your favourite colour combination: 7. Your favourite piece of clothing:

8. Your favourite TV show:

9. First name of your significant other: Ventimiglia <3>

11. Your first job:12. Your dream job: (Hellooo, New York!)

13. A bad habit that you have:

14. Your worst fear:15. What you would like to do before you die:

So much has happened this past few weeks. Time flies - semester one is already coming to an end. It seemed just like yesterday that we freshmen stepped into the halls, fresh faced and eager to make a change, make a difference in whichever way possible. And opportunities only come knocking on your door once. I got an offer to stay at Sheares Hall last week, but I rejected the offer. Why?

1) I stay very near school (a mere 20 min bus drive as a matter of fact)
2) I have to move in on Monday which is really, a very awkward timing.
3) I have no friends in Sheares Hall.

It really got me thinking though. Am I too used to the familiarity of family, home and being around my friends? Maybe I'm not ready to leave my comfort zone just yet. "Home is where the heart is". After all, we're in Singapore and if I really want to experience "independent living", I should just go overseas right? Which brings me to my next point - I'm going to Japan in December! I absolutely cannot wait :-) Harajuku girls, bento sets, great shopping, awesome weather, white snow, freshly sliced sashimi = Heaven.

Another reason why I'm looking forward to December - Christmas! Even though I don't celebrate Christmas, it's still very much a pleasure and joy walking around the streets of Orchard Road at night and just immersing yourself in the Christmas festivities, looking up at the Christmas bright lights and reminding yourself again that this is such, the wonder of life. That we are able to be so fortunate as to open our eyes every morning and be thankful for the everyday pleasures that we are able to enjoy and experience.

So, I cannot wait for the darn exams to end. Two more weeks and the dreaded exams are over. Then it'll be party, shop, fun fun fun all the way.

And it really doesn't matter how many friends you have because all that matters are the people who count. Really, you could have 2000 friends but those 2000 friends could be just fair-weather friends. So too bad honey, you're back at square one.

The birthday surprise was.. surprising and I was caught completely unaware.
Best birthday ever! I have such awesome friends, I know :)

I feel like such a lucky girl. I'm 19 now, time to grow up!

More peektures:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=59457&l=22e30&id=595246782 http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=59458&l=d57e2&id=595246782

Soo many things to do, so little time. I have almost 30 people on the guest list for this Sunday and no venue to hold the party at?! Okay i'm dead, maybe I should just postpone the dinner.

Goodness Gracious. My organisational (is there even such a word?) skills - suck.

Every girl has probably cried their eyes out for some particular guy out there. If you've never done so, well good for you. But anyway this is a shoutout to all my girls out there-
Don't make someone a priority when you're only their option.

Anyway happy halloween!
"Damn, we should have dressed up." One more year till the next Halloween :(